Why and Why Not

This afternoon I walked into my kitchen to find my seven year old clutching a picture of his dead big brother and cries,"why? why?"

It has almost been 3 years. I have no answer for him. I have no answers for myself.

Hi sister answers-" because Jacob A"H did his mitzvah, that's why Hashem took him. We are all here to do a mitzvah and when its done, our time is done."

It seems so simple, so cause and effect. We each have our own destiny, fate, whatever you want to call it. The problem lies with the fact that we are all connected and intertwined. One action, one love, spills over into another and then another like tiers on a a fountain. Like tears in a fountain, this grief is unfathaomable and the sorrow of individual days forms one big ocean of grief.

Why, little guy? Why? One day you will know that the real question is "why not?" There is no protection from fate, love does not make us immune to cause and effect. This is when we have to pause to be greatful for 14 years, for having known in a physical sense the light that is Jacob. He has moved on, I know he carries us forward. How can we ever do the same?

Tonight my seven year old hugged me good night and smiled me a smile that echoed his big brother's grin. Not a carbon copy, but a glimmer of similarity, a glimmer of what was and still is in my heart