Why and Why Not

This afternoon I walked into my kitchen to find my seven year old clutching a picture of his dead big brother and cries,"why? why?"

It has almost been 3 years. I have no answer for him. I have no answers for myself.

Hi sister answers-" because Jacob A"H did his mitzvah, that's why Hashem took him. We are all here to do a mitzvah and when its done, our time is done."

It seems so simple, so cause and effect. We each have our own destiny, fate, whatever you want to call it. The problem lies with the fact that we are all connected and intertwined. One action, one love, spills over into another and then another like tiers on a a fountain. Like tears in a fountain, this grief is unfathaomable and the sorrow of individual days forms one big ocean of grief.

Why, little guy? Why? One day you will know that the real question is "why not?" There is no protection from fate, love does not make us immune to cause and effect. This is when we have to pause to be greatful for 14 years, for having known in a physical sense the light that is Jacob. He has moved on, I know he carries us forward. How can we ever do the same?

Tonight my seven year old hugged me good night and smiled me a smile that echoed his big brother's grin. Not a carbon copy, but a glimmer of similarity, a glimmer of what was and still is in my heart

Redefining "grief"

I decided today that I hate the word grief- it just doesn't express what I feel. The "grief process" would seem to indicate that there is an end and some suitable solution to the grief. Like, we "grieve" our taxes, or file a grievance with an agency for some bad thing. Can I file a grievance with G-d for giving me a child with a 14 year life span? Can I expect some sort of response or redressing of the issue? Who do I sue for the cost of therapy for this family which is trying to reshape itself? My child is not lost- he is dead almost 3 years and I can not yet imagine life without him.


People who expect it to get better with time are reacting to an "ordinary" loss. Yes, I miss my Dad, but I knew intellectually and emotionally that I would someday face life without my parents.



The loss of a child is so beyond the pale. Every missed milestone that comes up is excruciating. We have an engagement party Sat. night- another reminder that we will never have that with Jacob. All his friends are now busy with the college application process. Another heartbreak. The olive section of the supermarket breaks my heart and reminds me of my son. The list of things we should be, could be, would be doing for him and with him just gets longer.


Yes, life goes on, but we go on as the invisible handicapped/ emotionally challenged survivors of loss just wishing for a time machine.